Pregnancy Diaries – August 10th
I feel as if I received a death and life sentence at the same time. Death to all that was and a new life coming. I’m not even quite dead yet, neither am I really reborn.
I can not say I have many illusions. It was not easy until now and certainly will not become easier. That’s good, since life is a good thing. It is the great pilgrimage, and love is wonderful. Certainly, motherhood is an overflow of life and love. Still, I can not help feeling that all of this means dying. I have to start to let go of everything from now on. My body, which was never fully mine, performs its ancestral dance. The only thing I can do is to witness its metamorphosis.
The day before yesterday, when I returned home, Florencio was sitting on the couch. I sat next to him and said:
_I have a gift for you. You have three chances to guess what it is.
He did not find out what it was. I think that noone will really think that pregnancy is a possibility, even I could not imagine that. I may have said so many times in my life that I did not want children that I ended up convincing everyone that it would never happen. When Florencio had it wrong by the third guess, gave him the pregnancy test. For a moment, he looked confused:
_ What is it?
He looked at the two rose lines with deep interest for a few long seconds. Then, he turned to me:
I shook my head affirmatively. We hugged. Worlds could fit in that embrace. I realized that he was feeling the same as me: joy, fear, hope, enthusiasm, curiosity, and probably many other unspeakable things. Soon, he decided to take a picture of that moment, seeking to turn everything into art. In this sense, we think the same way. I write life as it happens. It is a way to digest and transform reality into something nourishing for me and others. In fact, life is insurmountable art and we are only servants trying to express its infinite beauty. I know we both feel like this.
From there, I showed the test to my mother, my sister and my nephews. I played the same game with them all, no one guessed what I had to offer. All were surprised and ecstatic, as if something unbelievable was happening and the universe was being reinvented. My 12 year old nephew looked incredulously at me and said:
_Gosh, I can not imagine you as a mother.
_Me neither. – I replied with a shrug of resignation.
Not a bad thing to kbnow that, in my life, I did many things that were beyond my own imagination.
Incidentally, just yesterday, I could finally realize my dream of seeing whales. We made a family outing. The sea was very choppy. The boat rose and fell of heights with the waves only to rise again. Almost everyone got sick and vomited. I was fine, feeling strangely calm in the turbulence. I was standing right in front, absorbing the immeasurable power of the sea and the winds.
I learned that all the whales that live in an area often sing the same song. Sometimes these songs spread to other whale populations. In addition, over time, they songs change and evolve. It reminded me of the “songlines” of Australian Aborigines, songs they sang in order not to get lost in the desert.
I had to think of the history of mankind, our bloody history, the one we learn in schools, and of the great terror and suffering that still exists and is happening right now. The music of violence and ignorance that still sounds too high.
Still, witnessing the smoothness with which the whales, these ancestral beings, move through the ocean, I felt as if there was still hope. A whale and her calf swam alongside of the boat. Inside my womb, also sang an oceanic promise of life and unimaginable adventures. After all, they are still alive, the songs of the deep waters, those songs which play inside all of us. The music of the heart still pulsates and it’s changing at every moment.
We no longer need to get lost in the desert.