Pregnancy Diaries – August 8th
It’s morning time, I decide to go downtown and get some money. I take this opportunity to get into a drugstore and buy a pregnancy test.
The most recent time I did this was a few months ago. My period was delayed for a few days. I bought the test, went to a public toilet and did not tell anybody about it. The result was negative, which made me feel a mixture of relief with disappointment. That surprised me. I did not expect to be disappointed. Does a part of me really wants to get pregnant? I know the IUD was taken out in November and I opened up to all possibilities since then. It’s been more than six months. I am doing an acupuncture treatment, but it feels like I do not really believe that I can get pregnant. After all, there are so many reasons not to go in that direction! For instance: I have no financial nor emotional stability.
It is true that my relationship with Florencio still has wonderful moments, even after twelve years together. Our love is romantic, intense and deep. It survived all the crises and made me, for the first time, open up to the possibility of having a child. We are still friends and lovers, boyfriend and girlfriend. We have long conversations that go late into the night. It’s such a beautiful interaction that it exceeded all monstrous difficulties of the way. Could it be that a child would be just one more of these difficulties, while also a unique gift? Many people say it is so and I do not doubt it. Moreover, would not motherhood be a great possibility of thanking life for everything it did for me, doing it for someone else?
Still, in difficult times, often I do not feel like I have emotional support. I feel alone, as if I could just count on myself. Perhaps this instability will change with a child, but it is not encouraging that it has been like this so far. Surely, I know that motherhood is not just a nice experience. It is both a birth of a new life and a death of everything that was before. I confess that I fear it greatly, also because I can not find love in me for my own childhood. For many years, I did not like to remember the child that I was once. The childhood memories always had something painful to me. I was not able to understand the adult world, the fights between my parents, the wars on television, the devastation of forests, among many other things that no one could explain to me, and so I hid behind my books and dreams. Also, I wore glasses, braces and was chubby, which was reason enough to be bullied at school. I remember myself as a boring, serious and sad child who did not like life nor herself.
Anyway, when the first pregnancy test was negative, I decided not to think much about it or comment on anyone. This time, my period is a week late and I have been feeling a little strange. It’s like I’m on edge, but not in the way I usually get before menstruating. It is more vast and deep than that. As if the world’s axis was being moved.
I go to a café, ask for a cappuccino and a cheese bread. After eating, I get up and go to the bathroom. I get there and realize the known choreography of popping the stick on midstream. After that, I calculate five minutes on the clock and start to wait. Probably, I’m not pregnant, but it’s better to make sure. I think of some things I want to do today while looking absentmindedly into the mirror. I arrange some curls in my hair that are always out of place, retouch the lipstick, and observe the space around me. It is a very clean bathroom, which for me is always a good sign in a public establishment. The clock says 4 minutes went by. I see a strong pink line and a softer one on the test strip. My heart starts beating fast. I’ll wait another two minutes. Something must be wrong. I lean my weight against the door. A bright light coming through the window reminds me that outside the sun is shining in full force. I close my eyes and take some deep breaths. I know that everything in life can always change in a second. I may cross the street and get run over. A shower of blessings can fall from the sky.
I open my eyes again. Six minutes passed. The second pink line is stronger… I’m pregnant. I am pregnant? I am pregnant!!!
Looking in the mirror, I cover my face with my hands. Some tears roll down my cheeks. I put the result in the bag, catch a last disbelieving glimpse of this face that is migrating into an increasing and absolute metamorphosis without me even realizing it, wipe my skin and go out to the world. I walk towards the Church which is nearby, enter and kneel in front of Our Lady of Help. Today, I pay close attention to the fact that She is holding a baby in Her arms. The son of Love. I allow my heart to gallop freely in the fields of incandescent emotions. Life always amazes me.