Preganncy Diaries – Introduction (july 2014)

I’m not sure when it all began. At age 42, I knew that soon I would no longer be able to be a mother. Florencio and I spent years talking about the pros and cons of the possbility of having children. For us, there were far more cons than pros. However, it was also like this when we decided to get married or before taking several other decisions in my life. Like when I decided to travel and write rather than attend college, for example. Still, I can say that I rarely regretted my follies. Maybe everyone says that. After all, regret does not help much…

I never had many illusions about marriage and family life, maybe because my own family was not exactly traditional. I was not one of those women who wants to marry at all costs and goes around looking for someone that fits the dream. I only knew that one day I would live a great love story. I sold the copyrights of one of my books, I went to Paris and fell in love. With Florencio, my husband, from the beginning I felt at home. Getting married was only a natural consequence, a romantic result of love. However, I was well aware of what it meant to stay with someone “in joy and in sorrow, in sickness and in health.” I was not buying a package of ecstasy. I was investing in a long-term project that, with a little luck, could bring me a broader understanding of unconditional love.

That is, I never made only rational decisions. Florencio and I have been together for twelve years now. I used IUD for almost ten years. I knew I had to take it out or exchange it for a new one. For almost my entire life, when people asked me if I wanted to have children, I always said no. Lately, I would answer: yes and no. Having children was not my dream. I believed for the longest time that I never would have any. I never secretly cradled a pillow, dreaming it was a little baby. I have many friends who are like this and would do anything to be mothers. Some of them have even contracted astronomical debts to pay for the treatment needed for in vitro fertilization. They became pregnant, suffered some miscarriages, almost went mad, but continued to try and never gave up on their dream. Nowadays, they have beautiful children and debts that are still astronomical. I admire them a lot for their tenacity in getting what they want. Definitely, this is not my case. Still, I decided to open up to the possibility of motherhood, as someone who opens up to the idea of making a great journey and completely changes after that.

My greatest inspiration and source of study is life itself. Gradually, I realized that there was no better opportunity to blossom and learn about life than generating it in my own body. I had an abortion years ago. At the time, I denied the pregnancy, because I did not feel prepared for that. However, in 2014 I began to wonder seriously if I should give motherhood a second chance if it wished to manifest through me. After all, I had done all the craziness I wanted to do until then. I decided it was time to experience a new kind of madness. I removed the IUD and did not replace it by any other method of contraception. One thing was certain: if I would not get pregnant, I never would do any traumatic chemical treatments. There are too many people on this planet and I had no desire to force my body into doing something that it naturally did not want to do.

This month, after six months without any sign of pregnancy, my acupuncturist and great friend suggested I do a treatment with Chinese medicine to energize my reproductive system. I did not really think much of it, but I decided to do it, just in order to say to myself I did something. I did two sessions and I got pregnant. So began one of the greatest adventures of my life.